this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
