for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
