Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Come share oat with me in your robe
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
