i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
