After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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