Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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