if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
