I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
