I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
