And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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