Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
