Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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