I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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