Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
