I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
