I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
