Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
