This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
