Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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