You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
