i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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