The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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