You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
