we have officially lost it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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