He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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