From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Damn victory sex feels great
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
