Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
