TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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