We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
