The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
