Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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