Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
