Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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