That's intense
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
