My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
