Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
they need to just BURY HIM!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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