i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
