remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pray to the hookup gods
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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