the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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