community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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