My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize