I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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