He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
