I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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