I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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