im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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