I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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