Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
