you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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