Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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