found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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