I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
