god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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