she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
