people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
