Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
