Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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