Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
