I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
