I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
