I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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