You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
